I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be sad all the time. I don't want to not want to be here. I don't want to be angry. I want to let it all go. I want to get over my past, and move forward. And if I knew how, I would.
But I don't. That's why I use to hide it. And that's why I'm not anymore.
I wish I could describe how I it feels to be completely zoned out, in another state-of-mind and have unsolicited tears running down your face. I don't even realize I'm crying. I'm not trying to cry. But I am.
And everytime I cry, I think, "I just want to talk to my mom."
I deserve to be happy. I've worked my ass off to not be my parents, and I deserve someone to love me and listen to me and hold me and support me.
I am not crazy. I don't care if you judge me. (I never cared before.)
I just want to stop crying.
in time you'll find that you WON'T be sad all the time, you won't be angry, you'll move forward. it just takes time. and it's frustrating as hell. but you've got a ton of people backing you and who believe in you. i'm only three hours away <3
ReplyDeleteSaw this shortcut on my mom's iPad. I should've done something like this after my dad died. I don't know if you know everything that happened near the end, but this is your blog, so I'll spare the details and get back to you.
ReplyDeleteFirst off I just want to tell you that you fucking rock, girl. And these feelings you're experiencing won't ever go away. They'll fade, you'll go back to whatever 'you' that was normal, people won't call you a bitch, or antisocial, or heartless(all speculation, derived from experience) anymore, and you'll find you only really cry at times when you're on your period or when you get really moved by a movie or something. But yes, you'll be crying about the same thing every time.
You being brave enough to let this mean cyberworld see you so vulnerable is, for a lack of a better word, admirable. One thing that's helped me at my worst times is cooking. I'm not telling you to go bake a cake every time you get a knot in your throat, but a hobby, something shiny and new that forces you out of your element might be a good idea. It works for me.
Oh yea, this is your long-lost friend, Aidan! :)
I also hear smiling tricks your brain into being happy... Worth a shot right? Probably doesn't hurt if you have a pretty smile. Or looking vainly into the mirror as you do it. ;)