How did I get here?

Ever wish you could wake up and be somewhere else, with a new life? I think that at least once a day. Other thoughts I have on a daily basis: Why don't I deserve a mother who is there to talk to and fight with and learn from? Why do I have two parents who don't know how to love me? Why does my dad never talk to me? & I mean talk, like about my life, and how I'm doing. Why did my mom have to die? How can my dad be so mad at me that he doesn't tell me he loves me? Why won't my brother tell me he loves me? Why can't my family be a FAMILY? Why did the war take my cousin? Why do people drink? Why did my mom love the bottle more than me? Why can't my aunt put the bottle down? Why do my friends drown me in their problems, like I have none of my own? Why can't people hear my cry for help? Why do I think cutting myself will heal the pain? Why won't people listen to me? Why can't I pray? Why can't I tell people how I feel? Why am I so fake? What is wrong with me?


Most days I don't just wish for a new life, though---a new world would be better. A world without racism, and child abuse, and animal abuse, and homeless people. A world where little girls like Shannon don't go missing and are later found raped and murdered. A world where there are no cruel people to hurt the innocent creatures that we were blessed with. A world where those cruel people suffer more than the innocent. A world with no drugs (not just illegal, many evils are drugs) to take control of someone in his/her weakest moment. A world where someone can look at me without assuming I'm a slut because I have big boobs and blonde hair. A world where women are respected. A world where people can be genuinely nice.


Why is this my life? Why did God think I was strong enough to be this person?


No matter what I do, I never feel like I am doing enough, or can do enough to please my dad. I'm 21 years old. Why can't I be okay with being in school, working on my degree and working part-time? More importantly, why can't that be enough for him?


I feel like I'll never reach my goals. All I want is to be a teacher, have a happy family and be a good mother/wife. All I need is love and support. At this point, I would settle for one or the other.


But why should I have to settle?

-E